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imthatonedyingfriend

So I’m going to hell 

Like the things that have been happening the past few days are crazy. 
Grant and I are going on a date 
Kyle wants to be my boyfriend 
And Jarl ((kinky sex sub who wants to fool around me is coming back around)) 
And yeah. I don’t know what to do. 
Like my life. You guys don’t even know. If you want details about any of the three boys. Just ask. 
And f you guys want any of my personal info. Like wanna text me or Snapchat me. Anything I’m up for it. Just let me know and I’ll hit you up 
10:50 pm 

Jam 19, 2017 
KayAnn 

Stacey’s mom has got it going on

I only tilted this that because I’m listening to the song. 
But I need help. 
So lately with Grant things are- weird? Better? I’m not sure. 
Like we are talking and sort of acting normal. But I don’t have feelings for him anymore. Like I don’t get that butterfly feeling when he talks to me. Or I’m not constantly thinking about him when I’m not with him. 

But things seemed to be how they were and I don’t understand why I don’t feel that way. 
Maybe because it’s Kyle. I mean I sort of like Kyle even though we haven’t met. He is so nice to me and gives me so many compliments. We talk on the phone and grant never does that. 

Although Grant did get a new number today and he told me I was the first person he texted. So I feel a little special. 

The one thing is and I’m afraid of this. Is that I keep acting like I like him. Like when his sister asked about him. I acted flirty and said good things as if I like him. But I don’t really think I feel that way? 

Like I’m not sure. 

And I’m confusion myself on what I want. It’s one big headache. 

Any advice? 
10:00 

Jan 10, 2017 

KayAnn 

Regret? 

Things with Grant lately are so weird. 
Like. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel the same way about him like I did three weeks ago. I use to think of him consently. Get that glittery feeling inside and he made me happy. It’s not really like that anymore. 

However. I also found out I don’t have to convert to his religion to marry him. 

I like him. He is a good guy and had great qualities. I just don’t know what to do. 
I don’t want to hurt our friendship. I don’t want to hurt him. 
I don’t know what to do. Help. 
12:10pm 

Jan 8, 2018 

KayAnn 

Today’s a Bitch

1.  Grant gets off work at 8

2. Courtwarming is at 9

3. He still isn’t going with me. 

4. He won’t even tell me why 

5. I was standing by a friend named Richard. Grant says “awe you two *kissy sound*” ((WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK))

6. Grant called me thick. ((No bitch. Shut up.)) 

7. Kyle has been at work all day and can’t text me 😰

8. I’m still going to courtwarming 

9. Gonna look bomb and post a lot of photos on Facebook so that little ass can see 
2:24pm 

Jan 6, 2017 
KayAnn 

Good bye Grant 

I’m so mad at the moment. Like OML 
So Grant. 
I asked him to courtwarming weeks and weeks ago. And he said yes. Courtwarming is tomorrow night. So I texted him and asked what time it started so we could meet up. 
And the. He text back that he can’t go because he forgot to request Off work. 
ARE YOU SHITTING ME. YOU HAVE HAD WEEKS TO DO THAT AND YOURE TELLING ME THIS NOW? 

Like seriously I’m so mad. Find someone to cover your shift. 
But no. I don’t think he has or is going to. And it’s so stupid. It’s not fair. 
Why do I even try anymore. I keep getting hurt and if get any closer it’s gonna hurt worse because I’m never going to convert to his religion. 
I want to cry. 
1:29 

Jan 5, 2017 

KayAnn 

People

Well today my stomach hurts so badly and it’s making me mad. 

And people are making me mad. 

Grant even and Grants been my best friend since marching band season. I don’t know why but I can’t look at him the same. I’m not sure if it’s because he styles his hair differently or because I know I can’t be with him. But it’s his fault. Well his religion. And I know I have to respect that. But it hurts.

Why do I have to be the one punished for everything. I’m the girl, I feel way more than he does and everyone knows that. Everyone knows how much I like him. And I know I’m in deeper than him. And it’s so hard for me to shake feelings. And as much as I tell myself or others I’m not over him. I can fake like I am. But sometimes when I look at him I just want to smile. And indeed sometimes when I do I want to punch him. 

But it’s not fair. I had invested myself into making a relationship. I went to his church I was open to the idea. I enjoyed it at first, I wanted to learn more. Things seemed like they would work out. Then I realize things I can’t live with. And it hurts so badly because I want to see past all that. But it’s too big and I can’t. 
And I know if I get any closer when the time comes and we both realize- we can’t be together- it’ll hurt us both. And I don’t want to hurt him. He is my best friend. I care about him. Anyone can tell that. But I can’t be with him and it’s tearing me apart. I try to find other people to make me feel better. Like Kyle. And god he does make me feel better. He texts me everyday saying I’m beautiful, sweet and thousands of other things. Me and grant never text. We sometimes talk. When we are alone we talk a lot. When people are around I’m a no one to Grant. And I just want someone to look at me and say: wow I could look at her all day or: I wouldn’t mind talking to her more or: I’m glad I’ve met her. I need her in my life. 

And Kyle has said some of those things. Not exactly word for word but has some of those meanings. But Grant. Grant confuses me. And as much as I still want to be with him, it rings in my mind that I can not. 

It scares me because I want whatever my life is suppose to be. Gods plan in a way. I trust god. I pray often and ask for signs. I asked if I was meant to be with Grant and then in walked Kyle. But now I’m having dramas where me and Grant are together and holding hands. Nothing more though. Just holding hands. I don’t know what to do with my life. 

Kyle wants to meet me and I really want to meet him. I’m scared because he is a stranger but still. I wouldn’t meet him alone and we are planning things out. But first. 

I have to talk to Grant because it hurts me to think I want to grow distant and he doesn’t realize it. In not even sure if he wants to date. I mean we’ve been on dates and at one point he said we would be nothing more than that. But now the way he acts and things he does- they say different and it scares me. 

So I want to talk to him. Ask him what he sees us as or what he wants us to be in the future. And I’m so scared of his answer. He he says he just wants to be friends and enjoys my company when we go on dates then so be it. Fine by me. But I’m so scared if he says he really likes me and wants to date me but can’t because of his age and religion but he wants to some day. 

How do I tell him, “I’m too scared of actually being with you because I know down the line we will break up because I could never convert to your religion.” 

And break ups are hard and I don’t want to go through one especially not with my best friend. I don’t want to hurt him. 
I don’t know what to do honestly. My mind is going back and forth because I want someone. I want a relationship. I want to be there for someone. I want someone to be there for me. I just want someone to know that I will hold them and never let go. I will be there book on the shelf that is book marked in love. I want them to know they can open up to me about anything and I will be there no matter what, because I take relationships seriously and a relationship is only as strong as the hardest times they can make it out of. 

I want someone. 

I need someone 

And I’m scared of hurting people who I care about because I know they could never be that person for me. Or I’m not good enough for them. 
Grant is a good guy. Perfect guy. But he can do better than me. I’m the new girl at school and he doesn’t know my past- and if he knew somethingS I’m sure he’d turn away and forget me. 

And yes I’ve done things but I’ve changed and am a better person. And that’s the best I can do. 

10:07am 

Jan 4, 2017

KayAnn. 

Truth 

So how I really met Kyle. 
Weeks ago. I’m not sure. About a month? 

I met Kyle. I didn’t meet him some cute fancy movie way like I described in the post before. 

We met on the internet chat site: Omegle. And I’m going to be honest. Blunt and truthful because I want to be honest about what’s going on in my life. 
I went on Omegle seeking some RP (role play) just some good fun. I wanted to play a Neko and wanted some good fun. Even sexual. But just RP and no nudes. So I typed up a little thing and posted it to a few chats on Omegle. Then comes along this 18 year old boy. And he offers and stuff. And we RP and it’s fun. He doesn’t even ask for it to get sexual. Which was fine by me. I liked the cute stuff. 
So that’s how we met. 

And then we actually began to talk. Like conversations and get to know each other. 
AND MY HAS IT BEEN GREAT. 
He is so nice. Like an honest good guy. We call on the phone all the time. We text daily. (Which me and Grant never do) 
I really enjoy having him. He makes me happy. He calls me cute names. He loves 6 hours away from me and I really want to meet him. 
Thanks for reading! 

Also if there are anything you guys want to read or know about let me know! I can tell how me and Grant met. Or more about Kyle. Or other things. About my religion. Or my hobbies. Anything! Honestly just ask! 
7:28pm 

Jan 3, 2017

KayAnn

I can’t even titles these anymore 

Story time: 

So there was this girl name, KayAnn who was at work and it was her last day. And honestly she didn’t want to go to work that day. But she did and she glad she did. She worked for a show in the photo department. As people came in they would wait in a like come into her room and take a photo and on their way they would go. She saw thousands of faces a day and honestly didn’t remember many. How could she? 

But there was one boy who remembered hers. As he came through the line he honestly didn’t want to take a photo he just wanted to get the show as soon as possible. However he didn’t want to be rude so he waited in line. He got to the door of the photo room and he saw her. He sort of listened and watched her as she recited she said something she repeated the whole day. Told him to stand on a line and smile and on his way he went. Now she was cute. Long brown hair with highlights. Green eyes. She didn’t seem interested but she was at work she probably just wanted the day to end. He went on his way to the show and he found his mind a little distracted. So he left the show a little early and headed back down to the photo area and hoped so see her. And sure enough he did. 

It was her last day so she had just turned in her uniform and was in normal cloths. Leggings and a cute blosse. She had decided to treat herself to some sort of shake after work. So she was heading out. And right as she was exciting her photo room she ran into him. 

“Can I help you sir?” She asked and not even on the clock she acted polite and wanted to help if she could. She thought maybe he had lost something or needed something. But his cheeks turned red and he just smiled. 

“No I just-.” He cut off and he had no idea what he was doing or going to say. “Can I have your number?” He spoke quickly. 

She sort of just stared. Looking him up and down. He was a vet attractive boy. She herself thought she was just an ugly little teenager. 

“How about I give you my Snapchat?” She offered and pulled out her phone. 

He nodded and they swapped information 

“My name is KymBrah.” She spoke and shook his name. 

“Kyle. Pleasure to meet you.” His cheeks still red as he walked away. He felt more accomplished as he left. 

*******

Story over. 

This is the pretty picture I have painted for everyone who I tell about Kyle. But it is all fiction. Kyle is a real person. But this little story is not true. How I really met him will be written next post 

Understanding 

So Grant. 

This boy. It’s been so good but also so bad. 
Grant is 16, blonde, blue eyes, tall, super attractive. 

He is also Mormon. 

I have nothing against mormons. I respect the religion and love th  people. But I am not Mormon and that’s the problem. 

So I moved to a new school and during band camp of 2016 I met him. He sort of caught my eyes because he was so cute. Weeks later he asked me out on a date. And I was like: wait what? Are you serious? 
I literally had the most stupidest face and I was so honored. I hadn’t been on a date before and here is this great looking guy asking me on one.  And it didn’t take long for us to go on another one. And another one and another one. We are going on our 6th date this Friday. It’s courtwarming. 
Sure it all seems good but it’s not. 

I had really liked this boy. So much.  More than anyone. I have never been in a real relationship and I want to be in one. I am mature and I want a good relationship. Not one based on sex or stuff like that. I just want to go on dates and hold hands. That’s all I want. 
So the past couple months we have gotten super close. We held hands a little and keep complimenting each other. And it made me happy. I was on top of the world. I felt good about myself- then-  and there is always something bad that happens when things are going well. 
His dad said, the strict Mormon dad said, he can not go on another date with me till he goes on one with someone else because he doesn’t want us getting close. 

LIKE COME ON. ITS NOT LIKE IM FUCKING YOUR SON WE ACTUALLY GO ON CLEAN GOOD DATES. AND IM RELGIOUS TOO IM NOT TRYING TO TEMPT HIM AWAY 

I’m sorry for my language. But seriously. His mom loves me and his siblings love me. They run up and hug me every time we meet. And I feel like I am being led on because Grant has told me that he can’t date me. Like steady date: boyfriend and girlfriend. 

But yet we go on dates- so like what’s the point. I’m waiting my time. If we can’t be together why keep being with me and making me happy. I’ve come this far because I want to date him and I wanted to be with him. Things are different now. I don’t know what to do with myself. 

And the girl he chose to go on a date with is so pretty. I am so ugly and fat. I weigh 208 and am 5’2. You can imagine. She is blonde, tall, skinny, everyone literally tells her she is gorgeous everyday. And I get compliments- never. Rarely. 

And this girl- Terah had the audacity to come up to me and ask me when me an Grant were going on a date. She knows how much I like him. She knows how I feel and yet she acts like I didn’t know they were going to go on a date? I respect Grant for telling me straight up. But that little butthead can inhale my Richard. 

I don’t know if they have gone on their date together or not. But it’s not fair. I feel like I’m being cheated on and there is nothing I can do about it. We aren’t actually together- I get that. But we are so close. And it hurts me so much. 
I know I need to move on. The pain isn’t worth it. And even if we were to date and get close. If we wanted to get married I would have to convert. And I don’t think I could do it. So it’s even more pointless. 
But it’s so hard to move on. And there is no one to move on too. 

It at least that’s what I thought. 
Then came Kyle. 
4:44pm 

Jan 2, 2017 
KayAnn

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