Well today my stomach hurts so badly and it’s making me mad. 

And people are making me mad. 

Grant even and Grants been my best friend since marching band season. I don’t know why but I can’t look at him the same. I’m not sure if it’s because he styles his hair differently or because I know I can’t be with him. But it’s his fault. Well his religion. And I know I have to respect that. But it hurts.

Why do I have to be the one punished for everything. I’m the girl, I feel way more than he does and everyone knows that. Everyone knows how much I like him. And I know I’m in deeper than him. And it’s so hard for me to shake feelings. And as much as I tell myself or others I’m not over him. I can fake like I am. But sometimes when I look at him I just want to smile. And indeed sometimes when I do I want to punch him. 

But it’s not fair. I had invested myself into making a relationship. I went to his church I was open to the idea. I enjoyed it at first, I wanted to learn more. Things seemed like they would work out. Then I realize things I can’t live with. And it hurts so badly because I want to see past all that. But it’s too big and I can’t. 
And I know if I get any closer when the time comes and we both realize- we can’t be together- it’ll hurt us both. And I don’t want to hurt him. He is my best friend. I care about him. Anyone can tell that. But I can’t be with him and it’s tearing me apart. I try to find other people to make me feel better. Like Kyle. And god he does make me feel better. He texts me everyday saying I’m beautiful, sweet and thousands of other things. Me and grant never text. We sometimes talk. When we are alone we talk a lot. When people are around I’m a no one to Grant. And I just want someone to look at me and say: wow I could look at her all day or: I wouldn’t mind talking to her more or: I’m glad I’ve met her. I need her in my life. 

And Kyle has said some of those things. Not exactly word for word but has some of those meanings. But Grant. Grant confuses me. And as much as I still want to be with him, it rings in my mind that I can not. 

It scares me because I want whatever my life is suppose to be. Gods plan in a way. I trust god. I pray often and ask for signs. I asked if I was meant to be with Grant and then in walked Kyle. But now I’m having dramas where me and Grant are together and holding hands. Nothing more though. Just holding hands. I don’t know what to do with my life. 

Kyle wants to meet me and I really want to meet him. I’m scared because he is a stranger but still. I wouldn’t meet him alone and we are planning things out. But first. 

I have to talk to Grant because it hurts me to think I want to grow distant and he doesn’t realize it. In not even sure if he wants to date. I mean we’ve been on dates and at one point he said we would be nothing more than that. But now the way he acts and things he does- they say different and it scares me. 

So I want to talk to him. Ask him what he sees us as or what he wants us to be in the future. And I’m so scared of his answer. He he says he just wants to be friends and enjoys my company when we go on dates then so be it. Fine by me. But I’m so scared if he says he really likes me and wants to date me but can’t because of his age and religion but he wants to some day. 

How do I tell him, “I’m too scared of actually being with you because I know down the line we will break up because I could never convert to your religion.” 

And break ups are hard and I don’t want to go through one especially not with my best friend. I don’t want to hurt him. 
I don’t know what to do honestly. My mind is going back and forth because I want someone. I want a relationship. I want to be there for someone. I want someone to be there for me. I just want someone to know that I will hold them and never let go. I will be there book on the shelf that is book marked in love. I want them to know they can open up to me about anything and I will be there no matter what, because I take relationships seriously and a relationship is only as strong as the hardest times they can make it out of. 

I want someone. 

I need someone 

And I’m scared of hurting people who I care about because I know they could never be that person for me. Or I’m not good enough for them. 
Grant is a good guy. Perfect guy. But he can do better than me. I’m the new girl at school and he doesn’t know my past- and if he knew somethingS I’m sure he’d turn away and forget me. 

And yes I’ve done things but I’ve changed and am a better person. And that’s the best I can do. 

10:07am 

Jan 4, 2017

KayAnn. 

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